Give a little…

you know when you are totally pushed to your max and you feel like you absolutely can’t stand another outburst or blip to jerk your radar? I have hit that wall this week…with my hormones, and feeling alone and my husbands long hours and all the kids stages and transitions that are all being “explored” at the same time and I’m 5 weeks away from having my 4th baby…I’m trying not to panic. I’m exhausted. Taking care of myself through the day is the last on my list of things to do but doing just that is so hard, let alone taking care of my 3 small kids, and keeping up with housework!!  With a high risk pregnancy and getting up to unload the dishes, reload the dishwasher and making the kids lunches…I can hardly move and have to sit down. Things are getting done, just very very slowly…

Don’t get me wrong, I am so thankful to be home with my babies to get prepared for the arrival of baby 4, and I’m also so thankful for my husband’s amazing job that pays well and allows him to do what he loves to do..what he’s good at-only thing is, he’s gone 12 hour days, for days on end…and I am tired. I am alone…I don’t like to ask for help, but when I do I feel like I’m on a time crunch because yes! my kids are tiring…but after weeks on end of being the solo parent at home dealing with all the ins and outs and emotions and  tears etc etc etc etc etc etc I am absolutely stretched to the limit(!) and I need some time out too and not feel concerned about how my kids are doing at home…

I am also thankful for my friends who I talk to at least every 1-2 days to connect, encourage and remind ourselves we’re doing the best we can in our own lives and craziness…and I am able to have some quiet moments with my Jesus and pray that He gives me the grace to get though each day…moment by moment.

The point of this post is to say this-my brain is in planning mode. nesting mode. unfortunately that includes planning how, after a c section, I will be managing getting my 5 year old to school and taking my newborn, 2 and 3 year old in the van with me, lifting them into the carseats…getting up to make meals for my toddlers who eat all day long…change diapers…potty train…chase the booger monsters…all things in between. How am I going to do all this? Ben will take a week off work hopefully, but I’m on 6 weeks rest post c-section…with 4 kids…and this week, in my prayer times I’m hearing “today Amy, don’t worry about that…just focus on today. get through today for now” All those things will come together but in my exhaustion of HARDLY sleeping these days, I’m supposed to just wing it. I’m not a wing it person 🙂

I know that I have so many people in my life who are already giving me permission to ask for help anytime, all the time, for anything…but right now, in my tiredness, I feel really alone. This last year, after some serious life altering situations and decisions, I have pulled myself out of a hole and put myself back in the running for God to use me, to be a better wife…mother…friend…and in the process I have learned that I can hear the Holy Spirit absolutely any time of the day, just in the stillness of my heart, He’s there. My kids are amazing and I wouldn’t trade them for the world! But in that I am clinging to God to get me through all the small stuff!

So if I could pass on anything that I have learned in this it is that even in those moments that feel like you’re up against the wall and just one more “blip” on your radar could send you over the edge…just close your eyes and be still…He’s there and He’s got all the patience in the world, just ask for help 🙂

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