It was a Thursday morning, I packed myself up at work to go to a routine prenatal appointment and headed to my maternity clinic, expecting to return to work afterwards…fast forward about half an hour, I’m laying on the exam table and the doctor is listening for the fetal heartbeat with the handheld doppler and can’t find it. She assured me that it was likely nothing but to go for a walk around the building to see if the baby would move and we could get a better spot when I got back. Again, nothing. She told me to go for another walk. This time I started to panic, so I called my husband and let him know what was happening. We tried again, and again, nothing. So she sent me up to the maternity ward, maybe the nurses could find it better with the NST machine. Still, nothing. So they sent me back down to ultrasound, at this point I had called my husband and told him the update and to come to the hospital. He got there just as I was walking into ultrasound. The tech looked around to find my boy, and his face looked grim…he told us that he couldn’t say anything but that the Doctor had to come in and let us know what was happening. Everything after that is fuzzy. All I remember is the Doctor telling us he’s very sorry but the baby is gone. They sent me home hoping my body would go into labour naturally. For 5 days, I carried my lifeless baby in my womb, praying for a miracle. To this day, I can still hear the sounds of my deep and agonizing weeping, curled up in the corner of our spare bedroom. I can still feel the sharp pains in my heart as I pleaded with God to give me back my baby. I can’t tell you all the details of that long weekend as we waited to go back into the hospital, only to be induced because I didn’t go into labour, but through the course of the 17 hours of labour to deliver my boy, I just wanted to die.
I was 26 weeks pregnant with my first son, Zaiah John Tyrrell. This is the story of my loss and my victory in motherhood.
I spent 2 hours with my sweet boy once he came. I just held him and memorized his face. Now that I have had 4 more babies after him, I can tell you that he looked like each of them! All of a sudden the nurse came in and said they had to take him away (I’m trying not to be too graphic) and he was gone. The next thing I knew my pain medication started to wear off (which I’m pretty sure was holding me together until it wasn’t!) and I was wailing! The nurses were trying to decide if they could bring him back to me, and my husband was telling them not to because I couldn’t handle it. All of a sudden, the little boy I’d carried with me everywhere wasn’t there anymore, and I was going home, out of the hospital I’d gone into with him over and over, without him. I remember it like it was yesterday. Little clips of time and space in the pain. I remember. My life, however, fuzzy!
One month later we had a celebration of life for my boy, and someone told me that I will be a joyful mother of many and I will hear the sound of tiny footsteps running down my hallway-at the time, I felt hopeless. But God knew better! He called me to be a mom, and I clung to that with all my might! I stood on verses in the Bible and pushed through! I prayed for the peace that surpasses understanding, out of Phillipians, and I gave up my right and my NEED to understand WHY! Of course, I still wonder why, but I can honestly tell you, even though it’s still painful, that I am at peace that he is in heaven and one day I will understand.
Fastforward 8 months, I’m pregnant again. Thrilled, but scared out of my mind! With this one, the doctors had taken some time to review my first pregnancy and had a better idea of what we were dealing with. I had very high risk pregnancies with pregnancy induced hypertension (high blood pressure) and gestational diabetes, right from the start. I had to go to weekly appointments, go out of territory to the BC Womens’ Hospital to see specialists monthly, take insulin, medicate my high BP…the whole 9! But when she was born! It was all worth it! My sweet Sophie!
A year and a half later, pregnant again! Same deal, all over again! This time, the ultrasound tech said it’s a boy! My heart sunk-I felt like I was replacing my Zaiah, but I learned how to overcome that hurt, push through it and know that this little boy that I was growing in my belly was a different boy and he needed me just as much, and I had to pull it together for my babies! Hunter was born and he is my wild! He melts me in ways I can’t explain.
3 months after Hunter was born I got pregnant with my Emily. Fought through that pregnancy and she came fiercely into the world with fire and grit in her veins. She is my sassy diva!!
When Emily was just a little over a year old, I told my husband that I felt like we weren’t done yet, there was still a little person missing in our family, and a very short time later, I was pregnant again with our Ezekiel, who we named after our first born, to keep his name in our family and to give my last born son my first born son’s name. Ezekiel Zaiah.
My pregnancies were so close together, I fought so hard for each of them, and they are all little miracles. I remind myself daily that this is the life God chose for me and I am called to be their mom. I am a joyful mother of many, and I do have footsteps running up and down my hallways! I am so thankful to be blessed with all 5 of my babies! I’m writing this now, to share my story, to be open about what I’ve fought through in motherhood, and to encourage any of you moms that may be dealing with grief or loss. There is a hope that comforts us in our deepest pains, in the anguish of our weeping. I don’t know that the pain ever gets better, we just get better at dealing with it. You learn how to incorporate that story into your life. It just becomes part of who you are, and how you got here. My boy taught me joy. In the pain of losing him, and the journey I’ve been on since then, he’s taught me to see the joy in the hard times. I got almost 7 months with him in my belly, talking to him, singing to him, playing music to him as he bounced around and kicked my ribs 🙂 There is joy in the hard times, and there is peace that surpasses all understanding, if we let go of our need to understand. Just know that you will be alright. Love believes and hopes all things. Keep standing!
I pray for joy for all of you reading this post!