And just like that my sweet, almost 9 month old baby, pulled himself up to the window ledge and looked at the world outside!
When I was pregnant with this amazing little boy I knew he would be my last…doctors said I shouldn’t have more kids because my pregnancies are so high risk and with each one its taken a large toll on my body…so I knew as each month passed this was going to be my last elbow in the ribs, squirmy dances in my belly, hiccups that reverberated like a drum beat, and kick to my bladder…I knew, even before he was born, that I needed to cherish all the moments because it would be my last one.
My first pregnancy, with our son that we lost, was the most surreal experience to me. Everything was new! I’ve now had 5 pregnancies, but the first time I felt my baby move was the greatest feeling ever! I carried that boy with me everywhere I went-he was my little sidekick! When we lost him, I felt like he’d come and gone, swept me off my feet and left a huge hole in my heart. At the time, I wasn’t sure I could go on let alone have another baby! I cherished each of my pregnancies, no matter how hard they were. When we had our first daughter, everything was so exciting! So scary! So amazing! Fast forward 6 years and 4 other pregnancies later, I have watched my babies grow to where they are now and I’m continually and daily amazed at the little humans they are, in all their unique little ways!
One of the biggest joys of having a baby is naming them-I believe the names we give our children are so important! All of our children have really dynamic names, and are definitely living up to them! We have Zaiah John, Sophie Grace, Hunter Israel, Emily Mckenzie Zion and now Ezekiel Zaiah. We chose to give our baby our first born sons’ name so he will stay part of our family, and also because I felt a really strong tie between my first son and my last son through my pregnancy! I hope that he will grow up proud of who he is and who his big brother is and that he is carrying on his legacy.
“The Joy And Sadness Of My Last Baby” is just that, it’s a time to watch my youngest grow and reach all these milestones-laughing, picking up toys, sitting, eating solids, crawling, interacting and now pulling up on the furniture…eventually walking and talking! No longer will I be able to get up with him in the night and nurse under the moonlight (something that I really loved with all my babies) No longer will I be able to swaddle him up in a blanket or let him just lay on my chest for an hour. The day that I was holding him and he arched his back to roll over and get out of my arms and sit up was so bitter sweet for me because I knew we had reached the point where he wasn’t my little tiny baby anymore. I knew from the first moment I saw you that you were the completion to our family. You are the light of our hearts (all of us). You are the happy that squeals with joy at a simple game of peek-a-boo! You are it son! I don’t ever want to forget the day we brought you home to your brother and sisters and how overwhelmed I felt, but I’m so excited to see who you become.
I pray that as you grow you learn more about who you are, and what you’ve been put on this earth for. I pray that Your daddy and I would have the wisdom to raise you the way you need us to in order to prepare you for life. I pray that as you grow and become your own person you stand tall with courage and bravery, but love with the sincerest kind of gentleness. As mothers we all want what is best for our kids. Every single one of us. We know that we can’t be everything our children needs, even though I fully believe we were set apart to be the mother to each of our kids on purpose. Our kids need to know that we are human too, we make mistakes, and we also need forgiveness. Embrace the sadness, make sure you cherish the joy!
The joy and sadness of my last baby is such a beautiful mess. You won’t be little forever, and as much as I want to freeze time and hold you forever, I want to see you grow and be part of your amazing life. That is the joy! And mama, you are enough!